the bevolution

I want to write. I’ve been making my bed for a long time, and now that I’m laying in it, I want to talk about it. I’ve been thinking this way for a very long time. Lots of starts and stops. I’m talking 24 drafts, not to mention those deleted without being published.

The problem is, I have so much to say that I haven’t been able to say it. My mind was everywhere and I let it go everywhere, it needed to go everywhere, but I think it’s back. I think. So. Where do I start?

Today.

Today marked my second week at my new job. It is the job. My job. I have been looking for it for… ever. I was going to say 18 years, but I’ve been practicing for this all my life. And the version of me that gave me the “talk” on my birthday in 2007 (the “talk” being, basically, shit or get off the pot, if you’re not going to die, you have to find a way to stop wanting to die), knew that some day I would be the person I am today. Or, at the very least, she wanted me to be the person I am today. That is incredibly cool. And it was incredibly hard.

I blame Robert Frost, quite frankly. The Road Less Taken was the first time I knew there could be another way, other than what I was learning. The child who read that poem during elementary school had no interest in going anywhere other than where she was told, but it was nice to know there was an option. Part of me wonders if that option became an excuse.

I tried to leave home at least four times before I succeeded. No one liked me. No one wanted me. I failed. I caused flee infestations. (Okay, I didn’t *cause* it, but it certainly got way worse because it took me so long to figure out what the heck was happening in the apartment I shared with my best friend.)

Eventually, I went far enough away I couldn’t easily go back. I guess I did go back, though. Thirteen years later. Still, no one liked me. Still, no one wanted me. Before, always, and still. And I went back to the source to see if I could figure out why.

*Spoiler alert* I did figure it out. There wasn’t one reason. There was a million. The most important of which: Who could ever want or like me if I didn’t want or like me? I mean, who knows me better than me? (Just kidding. I had no idea who I was.)

Turns out, I’m pretty okay. Different, sure. Weird, yes, in many circles (not all!). But fun. Happpy. Grateful. Scared to fail, scared to succeed, but not designed to stop trying. Ever since day one.

Now I have two dogs – one of whom is staring at me in adoration as I write this, the other curled up behind her. My daughter is doing whatever it is that she does on the other side of this wall. She’s 219 months old, but I’ve only had her for five months. Soon we will all move into a new house, one with a fenced backyard, too many bathrooms and enough space for all of us. And then we’ll see. I’m only halfway done yet. The bevolution continues.